When She Can't Move On
Once upon a cliché relationship, I was in love.
It wasn’t “like”, it wasn’t “lust”, it was that all consuming, I-love-your flaws, I-love-your-heart, I-love-everything-about-you kind of love that you never completely get over with.
I didn’t get butterflies in my stomach when I first met him – there was something more powerful and magical and wild and beautiful there. There were probably cockroaches in my stomach.
No matter what I was doing, I was happy. Whether we were chatting, sharing secrets at 3 a.m, or he was teaching me how to work on a project; I couldn’t stop smiling when we were together. His arms were my happy place. It was totally, awfully disgusting, looking back at it now.
He was my best friend.
It’s been completely, humiliatingly difficult for me to move on . . .
Being the person in the relationship who moves on last is a super special kind of pain.
Until you’ve lost a love that you built up to be the kind of sappy, fairytale that’d make even Cinderella jealous – until you’ve lost the person who you thought you’d wake up with every morning ‘til one of you dropped dead – you’ll never understand what it’s like to be truly ‘crazy’ about someone. Crazy enough that, even when they’ve moved on, you can’t accept it and let yourself do the same.
Every time you start to get over him, you’ll run into him at the bus-stop or somewhere or you’ll have a dream about him. It’s rubbish. Absolute rubbish. I know, because I was the girl who can’t move on . . .
The girl who can’t move on is the obsessive, pathetic, crazy, prepossessed ex-girlfriend. The girl who can’t let it go – but who would never admit it to anyone else. Not even her closest friend . . . usually, not even to herself.
The girl who can’t move on is proud. She hates that she’s not “winning the breakup” or whatever the smart one’s supposed to do. She’s too proud to admit defeat, but she was too in love to move on. She already gave her entire heart away, and there are no leftovers to give to someone new.
The girl who can’t move on compares every new tall-dark-handsome that crosses her path to her old love, and no matter what this new guy does, he’ll never measure up to the massive ghost of past love that’s haunting her heart.
The girl who can't move on is grateful, in a way, that she got to experience such a life-changing, soul-rattling love – but, she resents it every single day, too.
The girl who can’t move on is strong; she goes through hell everyday she can’t forget him . . . but, she’s still here.
I know the girl who can’t move on, I understand her. I was her. Maybe, I am her. :(
Nobody will ever understand the pain a girl who was once in love goes through trying to be whole again without him – trying to be the girl who moved on and never looked back – until you’ve been in her 6-inch high shoes.
All this girl can do is trust God and hope that, someday, she’ll fall in love again – if not with another man, with herself again, with the God who loves her silly.
And, someday, she will.
She has to move on.
Happy Lousy Valentine to that girl who is moving on!
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Posted by Nwamaka Ajaegbu
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