Dear Diary, Here's What I Am Feeling Like

My birthday is in 20 days. I’ve learned that it takes a great deal of courage to lay down everything you know and everything you feel.

Mixed Feelings 

June usually come with excitement. But for the past three years, the excitement wraps itself up with anxiety.

I can't remember what it feels like to be TOTALLY excited about my own birthday. It used to be the major highlight of my year. I would talk about it so much that it becomes impossible to ignore.

The thrill of having another birthday wanes slowly, as I grow.

On one hand, June is my birth month. I'm excited to be alive and healthy. I'm excited to be living in the path to fulfilling purpose. I am excited to be growing into the phenomenal woman I see.

On the other hand, it's a reminder of where my life is right now compared to where I dreamed to be. It takes me into some really deep introspection. And it requires that I stop focusing on what people can give me, and start thinking about what I can give back to others.

I don't feel like telling you what I feel today, this week, and perhaps, this month.

However, Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that he boasts in his weakness so that the power of God could rest on him. I have to admit that I understand perfectly what Paul means but I am not sure how ready I am to lay down everything . . .

See Previous Birthday Fever

There are some things I thought I could handle on my own. Some things I was just in pure denial about. I have been apprehensive about turning everything over to God but the one thing helping me release this is the fact that each time I try to handle things on my own, I make a complete mess of it.

Since I have no “rules” when it comes to things like this, I’m going to let my feelings be what they are and that’s that.

I feel I don't feel like pouring out my feelings.

I am surrendering my thoughts and emotions to God.

I want peace and in order to have peace, I am surrendering EVERYTHING.

It’s a process.

I have to cast down thoughts all day. But I am walking in a beautiful peace now. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

My birthday wish list has only two items: Peace and cakes. The usual things I wish for in the past are getting stale.

So, June 26 is my birthday. Yay! Let the count down begin!

Do you still get excited or nervous  few days before your birthday? What's the worst/best birthday celebration you've ever had?

Written by Nwamaka Ajaegbu 

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Heart Rays . . . giving light.