I Woke Up Feeling Like a Failure, and Here's What I Did About It

“Happy New Month, Mummy Kamma,” the woman at my daughter’s school greeted. “Oh, is it already February?” I was surprised that I didn’t figure it out sooner.

The enemy had me on a battle throughout the night. I am not even kidding.

When You Feel like a Failure

We all have dark moments.

There are times when things don’t go according to plan.

Maybe a relationship issue. Maybe the project didn’t fall into place. Or, maybe you didn’t get the promotion. When you fall short of achieving a goal it’s easy to feel let down.

One Dark Moment

Last night was one of my dark moments. And to think that my day was super lit until I checked out LinkedIn few hours before bed. Oh, I wish I didn’t. 

I can’t figure out what made me visit that platform but I got stuck in my mind when I started to compare my profile with some other persons’. I started to panic. 

Then I went on Google to search for my name, ‘Nwamaka Onyekachi’. Lo and behold, I didn’t find me on the first and second search results. Whaaat!!!

“You, as ‘Nwamaka Onyekachi’ do not exist.”

That voice replayed over and over again. As I kept digging up my name from the bottom of the page, my spirit began to sink. I wasn’t aware.

The seed of hopelessness was sown. The spirit of depression was lurking. The darkness was taking hold. 

And that had a ripple effect on everything else until this morning when I dropped off my children at school. 

The Ripple Effect

Feeling like a failure can be caused by a variety of factors, including unmet expectations, comparing oneself to others, experiencing repeated setbacks or failures, and struggling with low self-esteem. It often stems from negative thoughts, negative perceptions, and self-criticism. Then leads to
shame

anger
guilt
self-blame

a cycle that can be hard to snap out of.

I snapped at Kachi last night because he wasn’t getting my rant about me (my name) not being ranked first on Google Search. We slept not smiling at each other. Damn.

Early this morning, he tried to be cozy BUT yours truly wasn’t having it. The voice was still ringing in my head, 

“You, as ‘Nwamaka Onyekachi’ do not exist.”

“Am I a failure?”

“I am a failure.”

“I’m not on Google Search.”

“MACH Show was meant to kick off. We have failed.” 

I went on and on listing all our failures. Some in my head, and others I gave a voice. I was a wreck.

The Lightbulb Moment

The girls and I were ready to go. As a family, we said the Lord’s Prayer and the Grace. 

As I set out to leave, the woman at my daughter’s school greeted me, “Happy New Month, Mummy Kamma,” with excitement. It dawned on me that I was starting February with this lingering feeling of failure. God forbid!

Here’s What I Did

I ran back home to Kachi. “Did you know today is February 1? Ah, let us pray. We can’t be starting the month like this.”

I believe that if I go through something, it's so I can help another person navigate it. This is the primary purpose for my blogging.

READ: Navigating an Extra Year in a Nigerian University 

I felt like a failure so that you would know what to do with that feeling. Your feelings are valid. Don’t ignore it. Look at it in the face and speak to it with a simple ABC:

“I am Accepted. I am Beautiful. I am Creative.”

“I am Authentic. I am Bold. I am Chosen.”

“I am Audacious. I am Beloved. I am Confident”

You know the words that ignite you. For me, those are my favourite ABC affirmations. When I bask in the beauty of my authenticity and acceptance of the Father, I am okay. I become bold enough to be creative in any area where I have been chosen. 

The negative feeling starts to disappear. The enemy flees. The darkness dissolves into light.

Don’t let the enemy lie to you. 

You are not a failure. You are getting better and better everyday. 

Happy New Month.

Listen to the Voice Of Truth.

Stay positive.

Stay inspired.

Stay be-YOU-tiful.

Written by Nwamaka Onyekachi

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Heart Rays. . . giving light.